Dealing with rejection.

I have been posting a lot of "ranting" and "venting" posts, and if anybody is interested, here is another one. I'm not going to whine, but I do have a question: do you, moms and dads, teach your kids to include other kids in their game?

Now, its understandable, that not everybody can be instant friends, but I think everybody deserves a chance. We already discussed the question of "including others" in our Facebook group, but I want to bring it up again. I was re-introduced to this issue today, when we stopped at a busy park on the way back from a fun Dino-riffic playdate.

This is a great park, with a jungle gym, swings, all sorts of climbing areas, and a big sand pit, with a pretend dinosaur fossil, a couple built-in excavators. Santino walked into the park, stood for a few moments, saw two boys of approximately his age playing with trucks, and went to play with them. He sat down near those boys, looking straight at them, and was "welcomed" with a scream "Go away! This is ours!" So he got up and left.

Thanks to his easy attitude, Santino didn't get upset, but I did. These types of things really bother me, and I feel that I have to learn from him on how take these "unfair" sides of life easier.

Within the next 30 minutes, he tried approaching those kids a few times more, and was rejected every time. It seemed, that in the end he did get frustrated, as I saw him kicking a pile of sand in their direction. Which was understandable. I immediately intervened, reminding him "no kicking" and he went to play with a built-in excavator.

I can't remember whether he was rejected like that before. I don't think he ever was; and definitely not 3 times in a row. He dealt with this rejection rather easy, he just left and found something else to do. I do worry though, that he might pick up this nasty habit, so I tried having a talk with him later. I told him that what those boys were doing was not nice, and he should never tell anybody "go away", at least not from the get go when the other kid did nothing wrong.

It is kinda foreseeable, that these angry possessive kids will most probably grow up bullies (if nobody steps in to teach them otherwise, that is). While I'm thankful to them, that they taught my kid a life lesson, that not everybody is nice, and you have to be careful and aware with who you are dealing with, I still don't appreciate somebody telling my son "go away". I didn't interfere, as I wanted to see what he was going to do, and how he was going to take this blatant rudeness. I think it was those boys' mom who should have stepped in and told them "you need to share" instead of just watching them.

I also would like to reach out to all moms, who watch their kids rejecting somebody: teach your kids to share, include and be nice to others. When it becomes a habit, there will be less anger in the world, less envy and more fun! 

Do you teach your child to share and be inclusive? What do you think, should I have interfered and forced those boys to share? (I didn't want him to play with them anyways, I didn't think he would learn anything good from them.)

Read More

My chid doesn't sleep

If you think I'm joking, you are wrong. My 2,5 y.o. toddler has always had big problems falling asleep.

Back in the baby days, I solved this issue simply by co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand. The older he got, though, the worse his sleep became. I've found a way to put him to bed every night, and by following this routine, anybody can put him to sleep by 7:30 pm. But if something deviates from the usual, forget it! No sleep, lots for crying and the night and the next few days are ruined for both toddler and parents. Sleep deprived toddler will be cranky and whiny all day, difficult to settle, not interested in anything, unable to concentrate.

My son will not sleep better if he ran around for hours all afternoon. If anything, he will sleep worse. He will not pass out on my shoulder or on the chairs at the party, he will not even fall asleep in the car on the way back from an event. The more excited he gets, the less chances for a good night sleep.

I've found my ways and little tricks to calm him down and have him sleeping in his bed through the night. We've dropped the nap back when he turned 2. Well, he dropped that nap, and I tried to fight that for a month or so, and then gave up.

I am used to the un-approving glances from the old school people, like my mom, when they hear about our "no nap" routine. They think I didn't set the schedule! Ha ha ha! They don't know! All my days, weeks, months, and even years were designed to set a schedule. Trust me, no nap is better for him. Even if the nap goes from 11 am until 1 pm, no good night sleep is guaranteed in our house after it.

We worked hard on determining that no toys or blankies could help Santino calm down enough to fall asleep. He never took pacifiers (and I'm happy he didn't). The only sleep association he has is music. For a while, I've used white noise recordings, like ocean waves and rain sounds, but that stopped working at one point. Then we switched to the calm songs and lullabies. I compiled all my favorite tunes from the cartoons back from my childhood in one big recording. Now we switched to a CD with soft classical music and birds chirping. As long as it is something quiet, it works for us.

Dinner, bath, book, potty, bed, milk. This is our routine. He knows he has to be quiet and stay in bed to get his milk, and I usually take my time. More often, then not, by the time that I return, he is already asleep.

I am relieved to hear from time to time, that some other moms went through the same ordeal. Their kids also didn't sleep, and that often lasted until kids turned 4 years old or so.  So, I'm bracing myself, trying to stay positive, and looking forward to the other beautiful challenges my beautiful little boy is going to bring me.

On the bright side, at least I have something to share. Sleep-deprived parents, unite!

How do you get your non-sleeping toddler to sleep?

Read More

Living with a child with autism

Autism. It consumes my day, my night, my life. 

My son was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder as he turned three years old.  My world crumbled. What does this mean for him? What will happen to him? Will he be able to go to school like other children, attend prom, go on to college? What about marriage and meeting someone who he can share his incredible self with? What can I do? All these questions flooded me and honestly crippled me at the time of his diagnosis.

This was only two months ago and I have to be honest, these questions have not been answered and I live in a constant world of helplessness.

Joe requires IBI therapy to teach him skills that come naturally to most of us. Skills such as self-regulation, conversation, empathy for others, and much more. This therapy can cost up to $100,000 a year, who can afford that? The government does recognize and fund this program, but the waitlist is 2.5 – 4 years to receive this government funding. The government also recognizes that early intervention is the best, and that is considered between the ages of 3-5. My son was lucky to be diagnosed at an early age, most children are not diagnosed until they reach school. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense does it? If early intervention is the best, why not fund it early, rather than wait until the child turns 5 when the damage in the development has gone too far?

For now we have decided to go with the minimal amount of therapy that we can afford and hopefully we will see improvements, but only the future holds these answers.

My son is amazing and I cherish every moment with him, some good, some not-so-good. He memorizes books and songs after only hearing them a couple of times. He is obsessed with numbers and letters, I don’t think it will be long before he is reading and practicing his math skills. Although he lacks some skills, he excels in other areas. He is affectionate and caring and completely adorable. Of course, I am his mom and I love him so much, I have never felt love like this in my life.

I guess I am hoping to answer some of the questions that people ask me when Joe is melting down. It could be in a grocery store, a playground, or even at his preschool. Please don’t judge him for the things, that he cannot help. It is not that he doesn’t get enough discipline or I spoil him rotten. It is that his brain is programmed a little differently and some things can be overwhelming for him. This was the hardest thing for me to learn about him and I hope I can help others understand the difficulties autistic children face every day of their lives.

Read More

Good 'Ol Fashioned Birthdays Parties and Potential HARMFUL Risks You May Not Have Thought About

As an event planner by profession and fellow mom, of course my head is always spinning with new event ideas and ways for the kids to have a fun time.  Recently I had to plan to party which would have many children ages 0-6 years.  I must have been stuck in some type of time warp the last few years, because what apparently the things we all grew up with at birthday parties as children (and still likely do in our homes and experience when we go to other birthday parties) are now not considered "safe".  In fact, they are FORBIDDDEN in many places.  

I am sharing this information with all you fellow parents and "party planners" out there in case you, like me, had no idea.  And please don't feel bad about it!  Because I totally beat myself up (and likely still am, hence this blog rant post) because I felt like "I should have known better" or that I was a "bad mother" or "bad event planner" because of it.  The fact of the matter is that information changes all the time and sometimes we don't even realize such things until we become a parent and experience it hands on to learn about it.  Of course we all want the best for our children and when caring for other children we especially want to ensure their safety as well.  So although you (like me) may find some of these things a little "extreme"; after thinking about it some more you may see that they do in fact make sense.  Just be aware of these recommendations and decide what to do in your own home for your own parties and with your own children - and don't be surprised like I was if a 3rd party place you chose to host a party at will absolutely just not allow certain things in their facility.

Allow me to elaborate on just some the dangers: 

1.     Balloons.  Apparently now HUGELY forbidden. I had some that I was going to blow up for decoration at a party but apparently they are a huge choking hazard for children (both un-inflated and inflated).  I must have been naive to think that birthday parties generally have balloons?   The last dozen of parties I've been to with my son recently have had balloons?  I never thought twice about it.   But yes, it's true (see links below to Canadian Red Cross).   Balloons are totally a thing of parties past. 

2.     Most Candy & Chocolate.  It's not challenging enough (but at least it's very common knowledge now) that we need to be extremely careful when it comes to Nut Free treats.  This is generally an accepted principal across the board now and "common knowledge".  However in going through my Piñata recently almost 100% of what was in there proposed some type of danger per the resource links provided.  Whether it be a dangerous due to a "stick" (i.e. lolly pops), too hard of candy, too chewy of candy, the shape, the size, etc. -- the fact is that most candy you can get today is just NOT RECOMMENDED.  So scrap the piñata all together I suppose?

3.     Popcorn.  Yup!  They serve it as part of the kids meals at movie theatre and will sell it to you at any children's show (I just bought some for my son at Disney On Ice), but also extremely not advisable. With its sharp edges and kernel flakes, popcorn is one of those foods that can even get caught in an adult's throat, causing gagging and choking.

Thankfully we could sing happy birthday and have a candle for me to blow for the event I had planned.  (I suppose it wasn't unreasonable for me to ask if cutting a cake with a knife or having an "open flame" was an issue after my other new findings?   (--> insert sarcasm here ;) ........ Good thing this was allowed *phew* cause my birthday party plans would have turned into just another day of chaos but with 30 unoccupied kids to entertain and equally frazzled moms.

Thank You,

Connie Berenguer

Founder / Director

Newmarket Goober Gang Play Group

E. connie@connieberenguer.com

W. www.goobergang.yolasite.com

See the following resources for further information:

Canadian Red Cross http://www.redcross.ca/article.asp?id=6884&tid=021

Ontario Public Health: http://news.ontario.ca/mcscs/en/2011/08/public-safety-reminder-from-the-chief-coroner-for-ontario.html

Read More

Please don't touch my child!

I really need to rant and vent about this one.

I walk my son in a stroller a lot, as I like going to the distant park, or a water feature, or visit friends. Its a great exercise and.. you know... no car and all. So yes, I meet a lot of nice people walking, jogging, biking and moving by other means. I'm not talking about cars here, I'm talking about those nice people who pass by.

Many people take a minute to stop and wave to the cute toddler in the stroller, say "hi" and wish you a nice day. Some people, mostly older ones, but also an occasional young weirdo, would go ahead and start touching the toddler in the stroller, pinching his cheeks, hands, and stroking his head. I get annoyed beyond calm words by this. Unfortunately, I have not found a way to tell them to not do it, I just move the stroller, say "bye" and go. A few days ago one weird guy stopped and kissed Santino, saying "oh, how cute".

Can I just say something? DON'T TOUCH MY CHILD! (I really wanted to insert an "f" word here, but decided to keep it decent, just for the sake of it).

Your hands might be dirty, you might have just sneezed or coughed in your hand, you might have just been smoking a cigarette, or shook a hand of a contagious person. All kinds of things might be propagating on your hands and elsewhere on your person, so why the ... do you touch somebody's child?

I was brought up so I don't touch anybody, until we are practically family. Before I had my son, I heard once that stroking a pregnant belly can bring good luck, but even then I didn't allow myself touch anybody's belly, but my own. I understand, that it is very private, and touching it without invitation is violation of the woman's personal space. Nobody ever cared about that when I was pregnant. Everybody would just help themselves to touching me, my belly, as if I was a golden laughing Buddha. Very annoying. The most annoying part, is that I try not to hurt anybody's feelings, so I never actually said out loud "please don't touch me".

But I am growing confidence, so next time - back off, you nice little old lady! Please don't touch my child!

Suggestions on how to keep people's hands off my son are welcome.

Read More

Little Bedtime Fakers :)

A new trend occurring in our home is (what I hope to be) typical toddler shenanigans :)  Bed time nightmares seem to be starting up again at 2 year old.  Just when I thought we had things down pat!

The latest and greatest of Mr. Jonathan's excuses at bedtime include:

Mommy "snack" :    aka faking that he is hungry.  What kind of mom am I sending my kid to bed hungry?  Right?   So I cave but I am smart about it ;)   I bring in The BANANA!  What does he do you ask?   Says.... ""no mommy...cookie please?  chips please?".  With very good manner of course and the cutest voice.   I think not!  back to bed!

a few minutes of "fussing" later I go back in....

"Mommy.... Poopy Toilet!".  Are you kidding me?  now?   but of course we are toilet training in our house and I don't want to discourage him from using the toilet or telling me that he needs to; so, once again, I cave.    He sits on the toilet for several moments just talking to me about anything and everything.  lol.  Suddenly the potty seat has turned into a drum.  He is banging on it.  He is telling me about how Elmo does PP in the toilet (lol... an excuse I probably used once to get him to go that has stuck).....   Talking about the pictures on the wall.   "Hi mommy...hi mommy".....Tons of genitalia exploration happening on his end (boys will be boys, right?)  God, would you just poop already!   Several minutes later I give up and head him back into bed.  I'm calling another bluff....

...now he's angry!  so he's crying.  But its way past his bed time.  I know he's tired.  Over tired now.  So I let him fuss a bit.

THEN HE PULLS OUT THE BIG GUNS -->  I hear a noise in his room..... throwing up!     OMG!!!  Is is actually forcing himself to vomit?

Now we need to call in for reinforcements.  DADDY!!!    ...There is vomit everywhere.  Pillows, sheets, carpets,  stuffed animals and all over him.   Mom deals with the baby (another bath time!) while dad deal with the mess (his favourite...NOT!).

After a couple hours of shenanigans he finally gets back into bed and falls asleep.

What's your toddlers bedtime "faking it" routine?  Please share!

Read More

The Maid needs a Maid

Come on into my house, take your socks off and leave them on the floor, leave your garbage and your change on the dining room table, just do it, everyone else does. Don't worry about it, the maid will get it. ... Well guess what, I am the maid!!

One thing I hate about being at home is all the work that comes with it. The more we are at home, the more mess piles up. The never ending dishes, the never ending laundry, the constant picking up of toys, it's all too much!

This is one of the reasons I cannot wait to get back to work. I know I can't escape housework forever, but at least if I'm not home, I don't have to see it. Also, my hubby has a 'since you're home, it's your responsibility' attitude, which I think is fair enough since he works an insane number of hours a week. When I am back to work, he will take on his share.

I did not realize how easy I had it when I was on mat leave with my first child. My apartment was always spotless, and I had all the time in the world to do what I want. In the early days, I would watch movies as my baby slept. Now, with my second, I have watched one full movie in the last 6 months. Usually I just give up watching half way though because I'm thinking of all the other productive things I could be doing.

In order to get anything done I have to either wait until both kids are sleeping (they almost NEVER sleep at the same time) or put on a whole charade to make cleaning fun.

And then my toddler tries to 'help'. As soon as I sweep the crumbs into a pile, he runs his broom over my pile sending the dirt everywhere! I wish I thought cleaning was as fun as my toddler did.


Anyway, as I am taking a break from cleaning, I thought I'd put together a few tips to make cleaning with a toddler a bit easier:

- I try to make a habit of having my toddler clean up after himself on a regular basis

- Get your child their own child size cleaning set, these usually include brooms and dustpans and such.
             Side note: For over a year I have been cursing toy companies for only making cleaning toys in pink. As if cleaning is associated only with girls! This made me so mad because I try to be gender neutral. I try to be so gender neutral that I would have bought him a pink set if my husband didn't roll his eyes at me. Anyway,I finally found cleaning sets in blue at Toys R Us and it made me happy. Yay Gender equality!

- When we want to do a 'deep clean' of all our toys, we set up a Car Wash (because most of my toddler's toys have wheels). He helps wash his toys. And it's fun for everyone!

- We use natural cleaning products so its ok for Liam to help with the dusting


I think the most important tip is don't over do it .. a happy you is more important than a clean house. And get outside! The more you are out the less mess you can make!

Do you have any tips to add?

Read More

Venting about difficulties to get around in Newmarket without own car

I have been living in a very difficult  family situation. With my husband being sick and unable to work, our family has been mostly relying on disability check from the government. Our car has been struggling to stay alive and we can’t afford to replace it with a new one.

The most difficult part in this situation is getting around with a child. Stores, play dates, farms, other cool places to visit for a mom and a kid are all just often not reachable with a walk, especially in the heat. Yes, it’s difficult, but not impossible!

There are many ways to get around for a financially strangled mom with a child, who needs to get out and meet other kids!

1. A walk. Yes, the old walk with a stroller is  great and also is the cheapest way to get around. It can take you pretty far and you don’t have to pay a dime. I usually walk up to a park, walk to the doctor’s office or to a play date, if the house is close by. We get out almost every day just on foot, except for the really hot days, when we stay on the deck, or just hide in the basement.
2. A bus. While it is the coolest way to travel, if you ask my son, buses in Newmarket don’t run nearly as often as in a big city, like Toronto. The waiting time can be pretty long. I find if I am on a schedule, it’s better to find other transportation. The Davis bus is a good way to get to the mall, though.
3. Car pool! This could be a great idea, if you have a sympathizing friend with a car, who lives close by. And, if you have a car seat for your child. I’ve been lucky, I have awesome people living near me, moms who give me and my son rides to  the interesting but remote places and play datees, who also became my friends and my son became friends with their children. Thank you, my girls, I would get out far less often without you.
4. Relatives who are willing to help. Most our relatives live rather far from us and are busy with their own schedules, but sometimes we score a ride with my mother-in-law or my sister-in-law. They both have been great, very helpful and supportive! I love you, Lucy and Sonia!
5. Actually, Ontario Early Years send you a cab, if you are coming for a program at their facility and are unable to get there on your own. This was an awesome news for me when I was at home with a little baby, depressed and overwhelmed, with my husband in the hospital. I was prepared to be stuck in the house alone, with no friends as I didn’t know anybody. And then a visiting nurse came and referred me to the home visitors program, and a home visitor told me about the Early Years and their assistance with the transportation.  I started getting out, met some people, other moms, and my life little by little started getting its perspective. 

Since I haven’t been paying attention, my driver’s license expired last year. Now I am getting ready to go back, take the tests again. I sure hope, that once I have my license, opportunity will come and I will get my own car.

Farms and pools, here we come!

Nataliya

Read More