Dealing with rejection.

I have been posting a lot of "ranting" and "venting" posts, and if anybody is interested, here is another one. I'm not going to whine, but I do have a question: do you, moms and dads, teach your kids to include other kids in their game?

Now, its understandable, that not everybody can be instant friends, but I think everybody deserves a chance. We already discussed the question of "including others" in our Facebook group, but I want to bring it up again. I was re-introduced to this issue today, when we stopped at a busy park on the way back from a fun Dino-riffic playdate.

This is a great park, with a jungle gym, swings, all sorts of climbing areas, and a big sand pit, with a pretend dinosaur fossil, a couple built-in excavators. Santino walked into the park, stood for a few moments, saw two boys of approximately his age playing with trucks, and went to play with them. He sat down near those boys, looking straight at them, and was "welcomed" with a scream "Go away! This is ours!" So he got up and left.

Thanks to his easy attitude, Santino didn't get upset, but I did. These types of things really bother me, and I feel that I have to learn from him on how take these "unfair" sides of life easier.

Within the next 30 minutes, he tried approaching those kids a few times more, and was rejected every time. It seemed, that in the end he did get frustrated, as I saw him kicking a pile of sand in their direction. Which was understandable. I immediately intervened, reminding him "no kicking" and he went to play with a built-in excavator.

I can't remember whether he was rejected like that before. I don't think he ever was; and definitely not 3 times in a row. He dealt with this rejection rather easy, he just left and found something else to do. I do worry though, that he might pick up this nasty habit, so I tried having a talk with him later. I told him that what those boys were doing was not nice, and he should never tell anybody "go away", at least not from the get go when the other kid did nothing wrong.

It is kinda foreseeable, that these angry possessive kids will most probably grow up bullies (if nobody steps in to teach them otherwise, that is). While I'm thankful to them, that they taught my kid a life lesson, that not everybody is nice, and you have to be careful and aware with who you are dealing with, I still don't appreciate somebody telling my son "go away". I didn't interfere, as I wanted to see what he was going to do, and how he was going to take this blatant rudeness. I think it was those boys' mom who should have stepped in and told them "you need to share" instead of just watching them.

I also would like to reach out to all moms, who watch their kids rejecting somebody: teach your kids to share, include and be nice to others. When it becomes a habit, there will be less anger in the world, less envy and more fun! 

Do you teach your child to share and be inclusive? What do you think, should I have interfered and forced those boys to share? (I didn't want him to play with them anyways, I didn't think he would learn anything good from them.)

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Do You Really Need to Bring Your Toddler to a Wedding?

This is not a post with answers. This is more of a rant post, with a simple question: is there really a need for a toddler to be present at a big event at a banquet hall?

Last night we went to an important family event, a wedding. Santino's uncle got married, and according to the Italian tradition, a big celebration was planned, with 200 closest relatives and friends attending. It was a beautiful event, a great escape from our daily boring lives, and an excuse to dress up. There was lots of food, music and dancing after dinner.

First, Santino (2.5 y.o.) didn't want to be there. He got very irritated by all the people, unfamiliar premises and the fact that he still had to go, even though he said many times "I don't want to go to a party". Now, that last statement might not mean a lot, as he also stated that he'd rather wear his dinosaur suit instead of the light-colored suit with a vest his grandparents got for him. Nevertheless, he did express his will, and was ignored. All above accumulated into a big tantrum, when Santino cried non-stop, refused to be inside the hall, refused to say "hi" to people and all he wanted to do was getting back into the car.

Yes, he warmed up to the situation later on, relaxed and had a great time running around, blowing off candles and stealing chocolates and cookies. In fact, he had a bit too much fun, and couldn't stop running for 6 hours straight, disappearing from time to time from my sight in the forest of dancing people's legs, all under the outrageously loud music.

That's another thing: loud music and hundreds of drunk people dancing, is not the safest place for an excited toddler, running away from his mother.

No, I couldn't just let him run around. The place is not really designed for toddler's safety, and multiple burning candles only made the situation worse. Yes, one time he almost set a table on fire. He thought it would be fun to hide a candle under the table. Luckily, my husband spotted it on time.

Yes, I'm his mother and it is my responsibility to watch after my kid. Yes, I understand it's hard work and I shouldn't expect to have fun when my toddler is awake and is not safely tucked away in his bed. But, really, the big events like this one are not quite suitable for kids and, I think, are quite damaging. Maybe, because they do not occur often, it's not that bad, but I consider these events unsuitable for little kids due to loud music, disruption of the sleep and multiple potential dangers, like marble floors (easy to break little teeth, if fell on), burning candles (all kinds of dangers), high heels that can step on a little foot, loud music (way, way too loud), hot drinks served, drunk people who are not paying attention, etc.

I should have insisted on leaving Santino at home, but I'm not his only parent, and my concerns were "over-voted" by other relatives' insisting on him being there. Because he is family. I was told that many other kids went through the same thing and other parents bring their kids, and it will be O.K. My mother's instinct told me it was not O.K., but I gave in this time, avoiding tension within family.

What do you think? I learned my lesson and will be more insisting on leaving the kid at home. But, what if it would upset grandparents and other relatives, who might think that I don't want my son to socialize and be with the family? Is there a "happy medium"?

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Good 'Ol Fashioned Birthdays Parties and Potential HARMFUL Risks You May Not Have Thought About

As an event planner by profession and fellow mom, of course my head is always spinning with new event ideas and ways for the kids to have a fun time.  Recently I had to plan to party which would have many children ages 0-6 years.  I must have been stuck in some type of time warp the last few years, because what apparently the things we all grew up with at birthday parties as children (and still likely do in our homes and experience when we go to other birthday parties) are now not considered "safe".  In fact, they are FORBIDDDEN in many places.  

I am sharing this information with all you fellow parents and "party planners" out there in case you, like me, had no idea.  And please don't feel bad about it!  Because I totally beat myself up (and likely still am, hence this blog rant post) because I felt like "I should have known better" or that I was a "bad mother" or "bad event planner" because of it.  The fact of the matter is that information changes all the time and sometimes we don't even realize such things until we become a parent and experience it hands on to learn about it.  Of course we all want the best for our children and when caring for other children we especially want to ensure their safety as well.  So although you (like me) may find some of these things a little "extreme"; after thinking about it some more you may see that they do in fact make sense.  Just be aware of these recommendations and decide what to do in your own home for your own parties and with your own children - and don't be surprised like I was if a 3rd party place you chose to host a party at will absolutely just not allow certain things in their facility.

Allow me to elaborate on just some the dangers: 

1.     Balloons.  Apparently now HUGELY forbidden. I had some that I was going to blow up for decoration at a party but apparently they are a huge choking hazard for children (both un-inflated and inflated).  I must have been naive to think that birthday parties generally have balloons?   The last dozen of parties I've been to with my son recently have had balloons?  I never thought twice about it.   But yes, it's true (see links below to Canadian Red Cross).   Balloons are totally a thing of parties past. 

2.     Most Candy & Chocolate.  It's not challenging enough (but at least it's very common knowledge now) that we need to be extremely careful when it comes to Nut Free treats.  This is generally an accepted principal across the board now and "common knowledge".  However in going through my Piñata recently almost 100% of what was in there proposed some type of danger per the resource links provided.  Whether it be a dangerous due to a "stick" (i.e. lolly pops), too hard of candy, too chewy of candy, the shape, the size, etc. -- the fact is that most candy you can get today is just NOT RECOMMENDED.  So scrap the piñata all together I suppose?

3.     Popcorn.  Yup!  They serve it as part of the kids meals at movie theatre and will sell it to you at any children's show (I just bought some for my son at Disney On Ice), but also extremely not advisable. With its sharp edges and kernel flakes, popcorn is one of those foods that can even get caught in an adult's throat, causing gagging and choking.

Thankfully we could sing happy birthday and have a candle for me to blow for the event I had planned.  (I suppose it wasn't unreasonable for me to ask if cutting a cake with a knife or having an "open flame" was an issue after my other new findings?   (--> insert sarcasm here ;) ........ Good thing this was allowed *phew* cause my birthday party plans would have turned into just another day of chaos but with 30 unoccupied kids to entertain and equally frazzled moms.

Thank You,

Connie Berenguer

Founder / Director

Newmarket Goober Gang Play Group

E. connie@connieberenguer.com

W. www.goobergang.yolasite.com

See the following resources for further information:

Canadian Red Cross http://www.redcross.ca/article.asp?id=6884&tid=021

Ontario Public Health: http://news.ontario.ca/mcscs/en/2011/08/public-safety-reminder-from-the-chief-coroner-for-ontario.html

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Celebrate our Differences

Ever get the feeling that as soon as you became a mother, every single decision you make is being watched?

Did you have a drink during pregnancy? How old were you when you had your first child? Did you have an epidural for delivery? Did you breastfeed or bottle feed? Did you make your own baby food or use store bought? What age did your child walk? Are you going back to work? Do you feed your child junk food? Is your child reading/writing/jumpingthroughhoops yet? blah blah blah.

All of a sudden every little decision you make matters, and you will get asked about your choices on a regular basis. Now, it's not your personality that makes you who you are, but your parenting choices. It's as though we think that everyone else knows exactly what they are doing. Ladies, I think each and every one of us is learning as we go here, and each and every one of us can learn something from each other.

Personally, I make my decisions day by day because, no, I don't really know what I'm doing. I never sat down and wrote down exactly what kind of parent I want to be, and even the vague ideas I had of what motherhood would be like changed very suddenly while facing reality. So yes, I do co-sleep with my 8 month old, some days we watch far too much tv, and I have on occasion given my toddler McDonald's. Does that make me a bad mother? I don't think so. But if that's not what you would choose for your child, that's fine too.

I don't make the choices I make because I think I know different or better than anyone else. I make these decisions because I do what works for me and my family, and I do what gets me through the day. I don't know everything, the things I do know were most likely learned the hard way, and I'm not perfect.

So why are we so nosy asking these types of questions to other moms? I'm sure we don't have the intentions of coming across judgemental. Maybe we ask these questions to find other moms with similar personalities and parenting styles, after all a lot of the times the only one thing that we all have in common is we have children close in age. I don't know if it's just me, but some days I feel like I'm being quizzed by other moms, and as if they are comparing my child to theirs. But at the same time, I do the exact same thing, ask other moms about their choices, because sometimes I feel like my kids are the only things I have to talk about. So I'm challenging myself to shift the focus from the children to the moms. Especially the new moms, because the mom world can be seriously intimidating.

We as moms should feel like our parenting choices are respected, even if they are different. We should be able to come to each other for advice without fear of judgement. We should be able to ask each other about our choices, but only to learn from each other and find support in each other's knowledge.

Came across this picture from Granola Babies that really sums it up:

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